Setting & Managing Boundaries
Personal Boundaries - What are they?!
Personal boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves - they are like invisible screens. They protect what’s valuable to you and control who enters your space; setting limits to protect what matters most to you.
What they are:
Saying what you’re comfortable with
A way to protect yourself
Different for everyone
A healthy thing
What they are not:
A personal attack
Just a suggestion
Something others can change
Something people can disrespect
Women who do set clearly defined personal boundaries empower themselves – they find it easier to relax and to say no. Failing to set boundaries, or to maintain them, can lead to “generosity burnout” - for the people pleasers out there (I know there a few of you!) this will be a familiar feeling. “Generosity Burnout” is a great term to describe how you feel when you allow yourself to get taken unfair advantage of, which can lead to exhaustion - by always putting others first at the expense of yourself. But, clearly defined boundaries can prevent this, and assertiveness is the key!
Do note though - boundaries can be flexible, they don’t have to remain rigid (so don’t put them in permanent marker pen) because needs do change - but real problems occur when boundaries are flexed too far.
Setting Boundaries
When setting boundaries think about what your gut tells you. You have to rely on your own internal alert systems to let you know when your emotional and psychological boundaries are infringed upon – your gut instinct and reactions in situations can help you realise when a boundary is being leant on, or when you need to create one. Your boundaries will relate to your values so have a think about the things that are really important to you.
Be assertive in setting boundaries, think ‘firm but kind’ and use sentences such as “I feel [……] when [ ………] because [……..]. So what I need is [ …..XYZ….] ”
Learn to say No – No IS a complete sentence.
Safeguard your spaces e.g. use the do not disturb feature on your phone, use an out of office when on holiday - this isn’t just about technology but it sure is helpful place to start, start small and see what a small change can make, set a cut off time for answering emails/texts, and schedule non-negotiable time for yourself – do not underestimate the power of self care BEFORE you’re on empty.
Managing Your Boundaries:
Understand your needs and how to assert them.
Set & establish strong healthy boundaries.
Be consistent – this enforces your thresholds and beliefs (don’t let your boundaries slide as that’s a slippery slope!)
Communication is key – think assertive, not confrontational.
Maintain & monitor your boundaries - Hold your line - having a clear sense of what you will and will not accept - for both your mental & physical health.
Benefits of Personal Boundaries:
Better self-esteem – making yourself a priority.
Conserving emotional energy.
More independence and autonomy.
Establishing what behaviour you will accept from other people & what other people can expect form you.
Finally, Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries, they are a form of self-care.
